I fell off the wagon. Hard. I don’t know how to get back up. I also found out my boyfriend, who has continued to be very supportive, also started drinking again. He was sober about 4 days. He did, however., go from 2 gallons of wine, an 18 pack and half a bottle of whiskey in two weeks to a 6 pack and a gallon of wine. So it’s progress. I made it 14 days. Two weeks. A fortnight. Then, we went to the city for christmas to see his parents. We went out to dinner, for sushi. (I LOVE sushi) and I had a bottle of sake. Then another. Then I stopped at the liquor store and in two days finished a bottle of Jim Beam. Then I bought two more smaller ones over the next two days. Three days after that, I bought a bottle of no-name–rot-gut whiskey. This has, so far, lasted me three days.
I need to stop this before I kill myself with it.
I think this is day 5….or 4. Something like that. While I stopped getting carsick when I drive, I still wake up with an upset stomach. I have also been able to stop counting the minutes at night. The first two nights, it went from “one day at a time” to “one hour at a time” to, literally “one minute at a time”. I can count days now, which I guess is a good sign. I’m just really, really tired all the time. All I want to do is curl up in bed and sleep. And sleep isn’t coming all the easily to me, so it’s a catch 22. However, when I am awake, I can actually enjoy things like spending time with my son.
Tomorrow will be the first time I’ll see my boyfriend since we quite drinking, and I’m a bit nervous, I must admit. For the 5 or so years we’ve known each other, we’ve never not drank. One of us was always a little buzzed. Not only that, we’re gonna be at his apartment, which is where we did most of our drinking to begin with. Let’s see how this goes.
I also have to say again, I am stupidly proud of myself that I stopped counting the minutes I had not drank.
Okay, so my first 52 hours sober have been awful. I can’t really speak to my mental state, since all I’ve been is exhausted. My body is rebelling against what I’m intentionally not doing to it, and it sucks. I ache all over, my stomach feels like I got hit with a bowling ball and I don’t want to mention the fight my organs are putting up getting used to solids in my body. (good job guys, keep fighting the good fight) Driving makes me car sick. I live on a very windy, turney, hilly road on top of a frikin mountain. It used to be that every day when I woke up if I wasn’t vomiting, I was dry heaving. That, unfortunately, has yet to change. Tomorrow maybe? All I could stomach was ginger ale (begrudgingly) and saltines…and water. An ass-ton of water. I do not have happy insides right now. On the plus side, I haven’t had to take any ibuprofen or naproxen sodium at all today. (I used to take upwards of 5, 250mg ibuprofen and another 4 200mg naproxen sodium pills a day)
Sleep last night was….interesting. I’ve heard of hallucinations while detoxing, but the dreams I had woke me up they were so gddamm real. At one point in the dream, there was a dog licking my hand, and I was surprised when I woke up and my hand was dry.
My boyfriend has been so supportive and is doing markedly better with this than I am. We’re both pretty depressed people for the most part, but he seems to have taken to this like a heroin addict to methodone. I am really lucky to have someone like him to support me in the ways he does. Everyone has been really supportive and I really am a very lucky girl.
On the plus side of all these crappy side effects, it has made me see one thing, I will never have another drink. I cannot stand putting my body trough this rigamarole ever again. I hate that it took a huge wake up call and my body trying to kill me from the inside out to realize that, but I’ve never been one to half-ass anything. Apparently this is no different.
On a side note, this blog will, eventually, be about psychology and science, but right now I need to get myself better. Also, no one reads this, so there’s no one to complain. wadoo.
I have made the decision to quit drinking. For the last two years, I have drank almost every day, very heavily. For the five or six years before that, I couldn’t go longer than 6 days without a drink. I have never drank in front of my son, and I thought that fact made me a responsible drinker, and more importantly not a alcoholic. I was dead wrong.
Yesterday morning, I was driving my boyfriend to work, an hour late. I was speeding. We had not been drinking for 7 hours. I got pulled over for speeding, and the cop could still smell the alochol on both of us, after 7 hours not drinking. I got taken out of the car and field sobriety tested. (hold one leg up, follow the pen with your eyes, fingers to the nose, walk a straight line) Thinking I had done well, the officer told me to wait and someone was bringing a breathalyzer. Oh. Fuck. I blew a 0.05 (legal limit in NY is 0.08). The ONLY reason I was not arrested and charged with AI is that by the time he had gotten me back to the station, I probably only would have blown a 0.02, and that is not enough to charge me with anything. He told me to go home, drink a cup of coffee and just sit down for a while. After 7 hours of not drinking, I was still legally drunk. Biggest wake up call of my life.
I took my boyfriend to work, went back to his apartment and drank. Then I slept and cried for 6 hours. He called me an hour before I was supposed to go get him and told me he was quitting drinking, and would I help him. I had already started to make the decision, but that pushed me over the edge. We got home, threw out all the empties we had, plus the rest of the whiskey from the night before.
I have not had a drink in 24 hours, and so far all I have to show for it is tremors and nausea. Let’s see what tomorrow brings.